I Am Determined to See

Just after the beginning of the year I started to read and study the Course in Miracles. My lesson today was number 20, which includes repeating the phrase, “I am determined to see” twice an hour to remind myself that my intention is to change my perspective and the way I look at the world.

After reading Lesson 20 this morning, I went to morning (crack of dawn) yoga. This is an intense, warm (96 degrees) power yoga. It’s a great way for me to begin my day… but I wouldn’t call it gentle by any means—unless you count the first pose, Child’s pose, and the last, Savasana.

So how does yoga relate to my Course In Miracles lesson?

I have gotten migraine headaches since I was in junior high school. It starts as a spot in my visual field. If you don’t get migraines (Good for you!), it is like seeing a reflection of the sun and then looking away. The unfortunate thing with my migraines is that the part of the visual field that is blocked gets worse. It turns into a crystal form and then clouds my peripheral vision until I can’t see the entire left side of the room.

In the past the spot eventually disappeared and was replaced with a whopping (sometimes debilitating) headache. I’ve found that taking over-the-counter migraine medicine normally helps with this.

Back to this morning’s yoga practice. Before the yoga instructor entered the room, I was stretching and silently repeating my Course In Miracles lesson, “I am determined to see.”

About 15 minutes in I begin to see a spot. Is it a migraine? Could this really be happening in yoga? Isn’t one of the ways to help a migraine to pull blood away from the head (like doing power yoga)?

But no. The spot started to grow, changed into a crystal and blocked my peripheral vision. At one point I couldn’t see the left side of the room. My mind was trying to focus and find stillness but was asking all kinds of questions: “Should I leave? Should I go take my medicine? Will it make me sick to my stomach? If I need to leave, do I take my mat with me or come back for it? Do I say something to the instructor?”

Instead of panicking I decided to see what would happen if I kept going. I remembered my Course In Miracles lesson and repeated to myself, “I am determined to see.” Now I mean it both literally and figuratively. I am determined to see.

We went into a tough series of poses: Eagle, bound Warrior III, Crescent lunge, opening to Half-Moon. As I breathed through each pose, I was curious (and a bit nervous) about how the migraine would develop.

I held my Half-Moon, opening my hips, breathing… and as I came up, the fogginess to my left dissipated. I could see the full room once again. Just like that.

I finished my practice. I didn’t get the headache. And as I left the room, I repeated to myself, “I am determined to see.” Nothing like a kinesthetic experience to seal in the learning!