How to Bounce Back after You've Been Rejected

It stings to have someone break up with you or be rejected by someone in whom you are romantically interested. What hurts even more is how many of us blame ourselves when it happens: "I should have done this differently or better, I shouldn’t have done that at all, I shouldn’t have said what I did, I should have expressed what I really felt. If only I were a better person, then he would have stayed. If I were thinner, more beautiful, smarter, wealthier, shorter, or taller, I’d be able to find love." However you phrase the thoughts with which you castigate yourself, it’s catabolic energy that keeps you stuck and holds you back.

We have an easier time forgiving other people than we do ourselves because we don’t personalize other people’s actions as much. It’s often easier to feel compassion toward others because we can rationalize they were doing the best they could at the time. (Which is true!) But it’s more difficult to extend that compassion toward ourselves.

When our inner critics tell us we’re not good enough and we’ve done something wrong, many of us believe the words our gremlins speak to us. It’s tough to forgive yourself if, at your core, you believe you’re not good enough. Self-forgiveness begins when you allow yourself to understand you are good enough—that, in fact, you’re perfect. Bruce D Schneider, founder of the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC), defines perfection as “unique unto itself.” So each of us is perfect, and although we sometimes do, say, or think things we wish we hadn’t, a key to self-forgiveness is not to judge ourselves because of that: to have compassion for ourselves. Instead, when we notice something doesn’t really feel good, we can look at it as an opportunity to grow and say, "What is it that I'm doing here that doesn’t fit into my puzzle? What's not working here for me?" And then we can simply make an adjustment.

Highly conscious people see things that don't work out and grow from their experiences. They don’t give heed to (and in fact many don’t even hear) that inner critic. People with a lot of catabolic energy, however, have their deepest fears reinforced and continue the cycle of self-blame. Isn’t it time to break the cycle? In the words of Saint Francis de Sales:

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them – every day begin the task anew."

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