Love Your Children? Hate the Chaos?

Don't get me wrong. I love my children – immensely, unconditionally – and would not trade, give away or accept any other option that might be presented to me. But (and this is BIG "but") I hate the chaos that came with being a mother. Before having children, I adhered to a daily ritual of getting a coffee in the morning, sitting down to write my three pages of "stress dump," and then 20 minutes of meditation focusing on being centered and having a proactive day.

I truly thought I would be able to keep some (if not all) of this ritual in place once my son, who is now three, was born. But reality set in quite quickly, and it took me almost 10 months to find my groove again. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do it, but I did. Then in May 2011 I gave birth to my daughter, and the groove I was able to find is once again changing.

Chaotic? Yes. Manageable? Yes. What did it take? Three simple steps (Remember Coach Karen's three simple steps to managing chaos and emergency life situations is I.C.E.) and a lot of self-patience!

The first step was identifying (Here is the "I" in I.C.E.) which underlying emotion was being triggered and consequently checking with my core values to ensure I was not compromising one of my values. The emotion for me was grief: grief of the freedom I enjoyed but didn't realize that I had such a freedom until I had lost it. The core value being challenged was independence. I had always been an independent person, even as a child, so having children meant I had dependents. And now where was my independence? I need to connect with each of these and re-establish my new center.

Side note: For you this type of situation may raise another emotion and challenge a different core value. We are each unique, but you can use my example to help get you started.

Here is my second step: connecting and re-centering. (This is the "C" in I.C.E.) Connecting with the grief – the loss of my independence, or so I thought – was critical for me to move through and process what I perceived as chaos in my life. But how do I move through?

This led me to the third step in managing what I thought was a chaotic life: executing ("E" in I.C.E.). Once I was able to move through my grief and take action, I began to feel more empowered, in control and confident. My action included making my children a part of my morning ritual, such as drinking my coffee while feeding my children breakfast. With each sip I feed a mouthful of nourishment to my son rather than clicking a mouse with the other. I maintain the thoughts that as I nourish them I also nourish myself, and with this my energy becomes more balanced internally. My stress is reduced, which allows me to be a happier mom.

So when do I find the time to do my daily writings and meditations? How have I gained back my independence? I've split my meditations into two segments, the first of which is upon waking and the second just prior to going to sleep. In the morning when I awaken to a child crying, a dog asking to be let out, or the alarm clock, I take one minute to set a goal for the day for myself so that I thoughtfully examine what I will do today to give myself a sense of purpose, independence and worthiness. When heading off to dreamland, the last five minutes of my day are spent rejoicing in any success I may have experienced and setting a new intention for the following day. All thoughts are held with a positive and loving perspective.

The most difficult aspect of my post-baby ritual has been the writing. It always seems something other than my writing is more important. Laundry, dishes, dogs, working out: the list could go on for miles. But I have decided my actions speak louder than words and so thus moved writing to the top of the priority list. If my daughter is home with me that day, then during her first nap is when I write. This releases the stress I may have retained. Has restoring my personal life into perfect balance been achieved? Absolutely not, but it is definitely on the road to recovery!

Until next time, embrace your inner wisdom.

Namaste,
Karen