Assert Yourself

The Need to Be Assertive

Assertiveness is a positive trait; however, few people truly see it as such. More often than not, people confuse being assertive with being aggressive, stubborn or opinionated. Additionally, this happens more often in cases when the assertive person is a woman!

Being assertive simply means putting your foot down when you are not convinced about something and having the conviction and guts to say no when you don’t want to say yes. It also means you have very defined boundaries that you are asking others to respect and honor. According to this definition, assertiveness has no negative connotations attached to it. The problem is that most people do not understand the concept of assertiveness.

Women in many societies are traditionally taught (very specifically and intentionally, in fact) not to be assertive. They are conditioned to be “nice,” “generous,” “polite,” and “docile,” and they’re taught that saying no or expressing their opinion (especially when it might lead to a confrontation) are undesirable qualities. You’ve heard the old saying, “Nice guys finish last,” right? But it doesn’t have to be this way. Understanding your boundaries allows you to be nice to yourself while being understanding and firm with others.

In the case of men and a lot of women in more progressive societies, however, conditioning may not play an important role in assertiveness. But low self-esteem or the desire to avoid confrontation may manifest as a lack of assertiveness or allowing others to push you in a direction you may want to even go.

Whatever the reason may be, it is important to understand that assertiveness is a quality that can make your life better and more productive while making you happier.

Why Should You Be Assertive?

When you don’t speak your mind, do you feel proud of yourself? Does allowing people to walk over you make you feel good about yourself? Does finding yourself stuck in a situation because you couldn’t say no make you happy? Do you put on a smile despite feeling resentful, angry, or bitter within? Do you enjoy watching other people get promoted when you know you could have been there had you taken the initiative or spoken your mind? Do you feel you give too much in your relationships but get very little in return?

Take a while to ponder these questions and you will figure out how being “nice” and non-assertive is affecting your life!

Being assertive doesn’t do anyone any harm. You can be firm, polite, and assertive all at the same time. You can be loving and still express your need for love. You can take initiative and speak your mind without trampling on someone else’s toes. Being assertive, simply put, is being fair to yourself.

Admittedly, in some situations there may be a thin line between assertiveness and selfishness. Whenever you find yourself doubting the need to be assertive, ask yourself the following questions:

• Am I being unfair to myself?
• Is saying yes in this situation against my principles?
• Is this person’s behavior hurting me?
• Am I only saying yes to avoid a confrontation?
• Am I scared of the reaction I may get if I speak my mind?
• Will I deliberately be hurting someone with my decision?

If the answer to any of the above apart from the last question is "Yes," then the situation calls for assertive action. Additionally, understanding and becoming clear about your own boundaries allows you to stand in your truth with confidence.

You may have heard that the world treats you the way you treat yourself. Demonstrating assertiveness and having boundaries are ways of treating yourself with respect so that others do the same!

Until next time, embrace your inner wisdom.

Namaste,
Karen