I Choose FORGIVENESS

I heard not long ago that holding onto our resentments is like taking a drop of poison every day and hoping the other person dies. Does that describe your feelings? There’s been much written on the benefits and value of forgiveness. Logic and reason tell of the benefits of forgiveness and letting go of our resentments. If we understand this on an intellectual level, why is it so difficult to put into practice?

Often, we nurture and feed our resentments because on some level we derive gratification from holding onto our feelings of anger and hurt. The people we resent can dominate our thoughts. Somehow we dupe ourselves into thinking this has power. In reality, the individuals consuming our thoughts never give us a second glance; we are the furthest thing from their minds. In some cases the individuals who have offended us don’t even remember our name. Why, then, do we give these individuals so much power over our lives?

We end up feeding our resentments and treating them like our most cherished possession. When someone has really hurt us it’s easy to replay the tape over in our minds, reliving the scene over and over again. This does nothing to resolve the issue or contribute to our well-being; it only contributes to our own misery. Notice your breathing patterns when you hold onto anger and resentment. Do you notice your breathing is shallow and short? Do you feel low in energy? You are the only person who can decide not to let anger, resentment, and hurt consume your thoughts and energy. There is a powerful alternative that lives within each of us: the power to forgive.

Moving from resentment to forgiveness begins the path to freedom. We can begin this process by following some simple steps.

• Recognize your feelings of resentment. Recognizing the pattern you are in can help move you toward resolution. The person who offended you may not even be aware of her actions. It’s often helpful to write your feelings in a journal. Simply becoming aware of your resentments can help defuse these feelings.
• Don’t be harsh or judge yourself; simply acknowledge your feelings honestly. Once you are able to truly acknowledge your feelings of resentment, you can move toward forgiveness. Forgiveness is not easy, and it does not mean you have to excuse the offense. Forgiveness is your decision to let go and move from resentment to freedom; it is you making the choice to free yourself from the bonds of misery. Forgiveness is a choice, just as hanging onto the resentment is a choice.
• One techniques that works for some people is to write a letter to the offender. The letter is not intended to be sent the individual, so you can say anything you want in the letter. Tell the person how his actions (or lack thereof) made you feel. Tell him about your anger and the impact it has had on you. Let the person know you have chosen to forgive him and you no longer harbor resentment or anger toward him.
• Next, write a second letter to yourself. This time address the letter from the offender to you. In the letter the offender tells you how sorry he is and how much he appreciates your forgiveness. This letter includes whatever you need the offender to say to you. It does not matter whether or not the offender ever intends to seek your forgiveness, and it does not matter if the person is still alive or has passed away. You get to write this letter. Once you’ve written your letters, read them and then let it go. Some people like to burn the letters, as it’s a symbolic way of telling yourself you are ready to move on and go forward.

Remember, as long as we hang onto our past hurts we cannot truly move forward and live. What’s holding you back?

Janie Selby is a Certified Professional Coach. You can email her at jselby@grace-assoc.com or visit her website here.