Consequences v. Punishment

Children are expected to misbehave; this is a fact of life. If children never misbehaved, then there might be something to worry about! A common type of misbehavior for young children is compliance, or doing we ask them to do when we ask them to do it and within a reasonable time frame. Compliance for an average five year old is only about 50%; this means that for every 10 times you ask them to do something, they’ll do it only about half! This truth can actually set you free. Does it mean you stop expecting things from them? Does it mean you can sit on your laurels and ride it out? No! The foundations for appropriate behavior are laid each day, and for young children it’s an investment that will reap you riches you never dreamed of when they are older.

There have been over the years many different schools of thought about child rearing. Years ago silence was golden and children were meant to be seen and not heard. Children were kept in line by the threat (or when needed, the deliverance) of some kind of unwanted punishment, often corporal. The pendulum took a giant leap across the parenting divide sometime in the last decade or so and moved to the opposite pole. Children were the center of their and their families’ universes; parents wanted them to be their friends, to be free from the harsh oppression they grew up with. Punishment was thrown out; they kept the bath water, and not only did the baby stay, it got everything handed to it on a silver platter. Children were not kept in line, they did what they wanted, and they usually ruled those household roosts. Children became the parents, and parents became the children. The latter situation often still exists in households today. There is movement toward the center, to parents regaining their place of authority in a respectful and nurturing manner. One of the important tools for these balanced parents is the use of consequences instead of punishment.

So how to get kids to behave? Well, you need to understand a bit about the difference between consequences and punishment. Punishment is the threat of or deliverance of an unwanted, usually disliked event in direct relation to a negative behavior. A negative gets a negative. Trust is broken, lessons missed; resentment breeds in the fertile ground of negativity and hate. Punishment is about the parent, their feelings of anger, resentment, etc., and their need for revenge. Consequences, on the other hand, are the deliverance of well-thought out natural or logical responses in direct relation to behaviors, both negative and positive. Positive behaviors get positive consequences: mother’s loving attention, a special treat, or praise and recognition. Negative behaviors get thoughtful consequences. The parent has given thought and attention to the "why" of the negative behaviors and chosen consequences whose primary goal is to teach: removal of a favorite toy (toy time-out), loss of an opportunity to earn a token or a quarter (and thus loss of an opportunity to get closer to their goal) (reward charts), or removal of adult attention (planned ignoring). Consequences are about the child, their need to learn appropriate behaviors, and a parent's duty to teach them.

When your family seems like a war zone, take a moment to reflect (and hopefully enjoy a cup of coffee and some silence). What are all the players in this drama doing? Who needs to learn some lessons? What consequences will best help them learn those lessons? How will you as the parent deliver these consequences fairly and justly with calmness and a measured hand? Then start with the opposite. Choose the negative behavior that drives you the craziest, decide what is the polar, positive opposite (i.e., what would you rather have them doing instead?), and then set up some positive consequences to reward that opposite, positive behavior instead. You get more with honey than vinegar. Paying positive consequences for positive behaviors shifts your focus and energy to the good side; after all, Darth Vader never prevailed, did he? It was Yoda, calm, measured and true, whose lessons won the fight after all.

Until next time, embrace your inner wisdom.

Namaste,
Karen